“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis