"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne