"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry