“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson