“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett