“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram