Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."