“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous