“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"I don't tan. I burn"
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.