"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”