"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."