“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”