"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan