"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain