"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"Time wounds all heels."