“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"Bury me next to a straight man."
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”