"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen