Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson