“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin