"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg