"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot