"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer