“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous