“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
The temperature can only go up from here.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard