“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."