“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.