“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.