“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell