“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien