"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”