"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”