“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown