“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.