“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez