“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon