“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown