“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger