“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes