“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain