"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown