“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones