“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat