“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown