"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp