“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly