“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”