"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck