“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard