"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.