"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams