"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams