"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
The temperature can only go up from here.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan