“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.