“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill