The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"