“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers