“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck