“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain