“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown