“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton