"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"