“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein