“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”