“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard