“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran