“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb