“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."