“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx