“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall