“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost