“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck