“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz