A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William