“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler