"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner