Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman