“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem