“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong