"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“