Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan