“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti