“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"Time wounds all heels."
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell