"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Time wounds all heels."
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan