“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.