“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells