“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day