"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard