“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear