“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx