"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock