"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres