"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown