"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney