"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams