"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery