"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz