“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz