“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Monday should be optional.”
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld