“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck