"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney