“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin