“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray