"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain