"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito