"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash