“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx