"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown