"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.