"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton