“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown