“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone