"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson