I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"