“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé