“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown