"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent