"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Monday should be optional.”
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William