"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman