“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray