“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"Go, and never darken my towels again."