"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz