"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”