"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”