It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown