“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison