“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln