"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown